My story is similar to yours. I started remembering at about 34 years of age. The memories started coming to me as if they were a dream, or quick flashbacks that made me shake my head and wonder what the hell was that all about. Then they started coming faster and I basically had a major meltdown. I believe I was programmed to act in a very self destructive manner if I started remembering, because I put myself in many very dangerous situations. Ugh.. can't get too deep into it, but yes, I understand what you are describing.
I forgot that I had posted this here. Just decided to check it today. I was sexually traumatized at a very young age, or possibly from birth, but I don't have memories earlier than about 4 years of age. My first memories started flooding in when I stepped into a bath tub of nice hot water, intending to relax. I ignored it, thinking I was just really tired from work. But when I sat down into the tub, the memories hit me like a tidal wave and I felt the most horrible despair and anguish wash over me. I wanted to die. I had no clue what was going on, there wasn't anyone to talk to. Suddenly, I was that terrified child again, I struggled to function at my job, I struggled to function in friendships and I failed miserably. I went to lunch one day from work, and couldn't go back. My supervisor called me to ask what the hell happened, since I had been a model employee for 5 years. I went on in some kind of gibberish that made no sense and said I was just burned out. He told me to get off of whatever drugs I was doing and get myself straightened up. I wasn't on drugs. The next few years were a nightmare. I lost many friends. They all said I was having a midlife crisis and abandoned me. I was very attractive, and extremely cunning, I knew how to make men fall all over themselves doing what I wanted, which made me think I was the one in control. I wasn't. I realized later that I had been programmed to please men. My biological father was the programmer. He and my mother divorced when I was about 6 years old, and then my mother brought in a man that continued the programming. I have many blank years, that I don't remember at all. I don't know why, but if anyone asks me now (at 58 years old) anything about my childhood, I seem to think everything happened when I was 12 or 13. Apparently, there's some kind of programming associated with that, because everything couldn't have happened at 12 or 13? Either way, it's horrible, what they do to people. I got married at the age of 18 to a very cruel man that I realize now had somehow obtained me via my family. I didn't even realize what was going on, or why I was marrying him, I just did it because I was told to. I didn't realize until after we divorced, that it was weird right from the start. I was married to him for 13 years. I gained my independence, thought I had the world by the ass, I had a job I loved, and for the next 3 years, I was so happy. Then I stuck my foot into a bathtub of hot water and it was all over, that damn fast. My thoughts, my life, my memories are fragmented, and I prefer to be alone, with just my dogs. My dogs are the only thing that makes me feel safe. I pray daily that someone will make this abuse of children stop. I voted for Trump because I felt he would start moving things in the right direction. Every day, I cry, knowing that even as I type this, at any given moment throughout the day and night, children are suffering, and living in a hell on earth. My heart goes out to them. I wish I could help them. I will add, I do not doubt the validity of the Hampstead Children's stories at all. I see the defeat on their faces in the final interviews, where they are saying they made it up. I know that numbness that takes over when you thought there was hope, and now it's gone.
Interestingly, that's the same age my mother remembered her abuse, however I don't think hers had anything to do with pizzagate but more to do with having a psychopath as a father.
I remember in a senior level psychology class I had, a fellow student wrote about her childhood with a schizophrenic mother. Quite horrifying in the insanity of physical and emotional abuse and neglect (no SRA). I think it was her, or perhaps some related info, that mentioned how some memories start coming back later, (after 30?)...the accounts here support that.
I've had flashbacks for as long as I can remember. Lately though, my memories seem to be in high definition and full living color. I won't even mean to but sometimes just the smell of something can put me back to being that scared kid again. I had tried for so long to forget and push it all out of my mind, at least until I was ready. And you are never really ready are you? Its not like I haven't told my story time after time. I've had a plethora of therapy. But its a lot different when experiencing it again in your mind. I have to remind myself it wasn't my fault and there is nothing I could have done other than tell. Just can't get past the thought maybe I could have done more, remembered names. I barely remember faces sometimes but then it will just hit me like a ton of bricks during a triggering episode.
I want to say, your column was very meaningful to me. So sorry it was removed. Was it the comments about the George kid or something else? I didn't understand. You have a voice, keep writing, I want to hear you again.
It got me worked up enough to begin writing myself, for the first time on this crap we have lived with. I'm so relieved that RSA is a known and almost accepted reality. When I first began to see my own abuse in that light, I could find no online support. One website was focused that way but inactive. Now we are being heard. That's a big big change in about five years.
view the rest of the comments →
WakeUpPlease ago
My story is similar to yours. I started remembering at about 34 years of age. The memories started coming to me as if they were a dream, or quick flashbacks that made me shake my head and wonder what the hell was that all about. Then they started coming faster and I basically had a major meltdown. I believe I was programmed to act in a very self destructive manner if I started remembering, because I put myself in many very dangerous situations. Ugh.. can't get too deep into it, but yes, I understand what you are describing.
WakeUpPlease ago
I forgot that I had posted this here. Just decided to check it today. I was sexually traumatized at a very young age, or possibly from birth, but I don't have memories earlier than about 4 years of age. My first memories started flooding in when I stepped into a bath tub of nice hot water, intending to relax. I ignored it, thinking I was just really tired from work. But when I sat down into the tub, the memories hit me like a tidal wave and I felt the most horrible despair and anguish wash over me. I wanted to die. I had no clue what was going on, there wasn't anyone to talk to. Suddenly, I was that terrified child again, I struggled to function at my job, I struggled to function in friendships and I failed miserably. I went to lunch one day from work, and couldn't go back. My supervisor called me to ask what the hell happened, since I had been a model employee for 5 years. I went on in some kind of gibberish that made no sense and said I was just burned out. He told me to get off of whatever drugs I was doing and get myself straightened up. I wasn't on drugs. The next few years were a nightmare. I lost many friends. They all said I was having a midlife crisis and abandoned me. I was very attractive, and extremely cunning, I knew how to make men fall all over themselves doing what I wanted, which made me think I was the one in control. I wasn't. I realized later that I had been programmed to please men. My biological father was the programmer. He and my mother divorced when I was about 6 years old, and then my mother brought in a man that continued the programming. I have many blank years, that I don't remember at all. I don't know why, but if anyone asks me now (at 58 years old) anything about my childhood, I seem to think everything happened when I was 12 or 13. Apparently, there's some kind of programming associated with that, because everything couldn't have happened at 12 or 13? Either way, it's horrible, what they do to people. I got married at the age of 18 to a very cruel man that I realize now had somehow obtained me via my family. I didn't even realize what was going on, or why I was marrying him, I just did it because I was told to. I didn't realize until after we divorced, that it was weird right from the start. I was married to him for 13 years. I gained my independence, thought I had the world by the ass, I had a job I loved, and for the next 3 years, I was so happy. Then I stuck my foot into a bathtub of hot water and it was all over, that damn fast. My thoughts, my life, my memories are fragmented, and I prefer to be alone, with just my dogs. My dogs are the only thing that makes me feel safe. I pray daily that someone will make this abuse of children stop. I voted for Trump because I felt he would start moving things in the right direction. Every day, I cry, knowing that even as I type this, at any given moment throughout the day and night, children are suffering, and living in a hell on earth. My heart goes out to them. I wish I could help them. I will add, I do not doubt the validity of the Hampstead Children's stories at all. I see the defeat on their faces in the final interviews, where they are saying they made it up. I know that numbness that takes over when you thought there was hope, and now it's gone.
pby1000 ago
I read that the mind control aspect of it starts to fracture at about 30, and that is about the time when people seek therapy.
Votescam ago
Yes, I've also read that -- that the mind is always fighting to restore itself and that this especially happens at about age 30.
Clinker ago
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sociopolitica/illuminati/svali.htm
featheredmasks ago
Interestingly, that's the same age my mother remembered her abuse, however I don't think hers had anything to do with pizzagate but more to do with having a psychopath as a father.
kestrel9 ago
I remember in a senior level psychology class I had, a fellow student wrote about her childhood with a schizophrenic mother. Quite horrifying in the insanity of physical and emotional abuse and neglect (no SRA). I think it was her, or perhaps some related info, that mentioned how some memories start coming back later, (after 30?)...the accounts here support that.
pby1000 ago
The father could have been involved. If often happens, such as in the David Shurter case.
featheredmasks ago
It's possible. He worked for Al Capone. not sure if there were any leads there.
Imnukkinfuts79 ago
I've had flashbacks for as long as I can remember. Lately though, my memories seem to be in high definition and full living color. I won't even mean to but sometimes just the smell of something can put me back to being that scared kid again. I had tried for so long to forget and push it all out of my mind, at least until I was ready. And you are never really ready are you? Its not like I haven't told my story time after time. I've had a plethora of therapy. But its a lot different when experiencing it again in your mind. I have to remind myself it wasn't my fault and there is nothing I could have done other than tell. Just can't get past the thought maybe I could have done more, remembered names. I barely remember faces sometimes but then it will just hit me like a ton of bricks during a triggering episode.
SavedbyJCfromRSA_MK ago
I want to say, your column was very meaningful to me. So sorry it was removed. Was it the comments about the George kid or something else? I didn't understand. You have a voice, keep writing, I want to hear you again. It got me worked up enough to begin writing myself, for the first time on this crap we have lived with. I'm so relieved that RSA is a known and almost accepted reality. When I first began to see my own abuse in that light, I could find no online support. One website was focused that way but inactive. Now we are being heard. That's a big big change in about five years.
pizzaequalspedo ago
Wow, this is fascinating. So you are a SRA survivor? Sorry if I'm asking too much, but.....
Who abused you or facilitate it? At what age and how long did it last?