My story is similar to yours. I started remembering at about 34 years of age. The memories started coming to me as if they were a dream, or quick flashbacks that made me shake my head and wonder what the hell was that all about. Then they started coming faster and I basically had a major meltdown. I believe I was programmed to act in a very self destructive manner if I started remembering, because I put myself in many very dangerous situations. Ugh.. can't get too deep into it, but yes, I understand what you are describing.
I forgot that I had posted this here. Just decided to check it today. I was sexually traumatized at a very young age, or possibly from birth, but I don't have memories earlier than about 4 years of age. My first memories started flooding in when I stepped into a bath tub of nice hot water, intending to relax. I ignored it, thinking I was just really tired from work. But when I sat down into the tub, the memories hit me like a tidal wave and I felt the most horrible despair and anguish wash over me. I wanted to die. I had no clue what was going on, there wasn't anyone to talk to. Suddenly, I was that terrified child again, I struggled to function at my job, I struggled to function in friendships and I failed miserably. I went to lunch one day from work, and couldn't go back. My supervisor called me to ask what the hell happened, since I had been a model employee for 5 years. I went on in some kind of gibberish that made no sense and said I was just burned out. He told me to get off of whatever drugs I was doing and get myself straightened up. I wasn't on drugs. The next few years were a nightmare. I lost many friends. They all said I was having a midlife crisis and abandoned me. I was very attractive, and extremely cunning, I knew how to make men fall all over themselves doing what I wanted, which made me think I was the one in control. I wasn't. I realized later that I had been programmed to please men. My biological father was the programmer. He and my mother divorced when I was about 6 years old, and then my mother brought in a man that continued the programming. I have many blank years, that I don't remember at all. I don't know why, but if anyone asks me now (at 58 years old) anything about my childhood, I seem to think everything happened when I was 12 or 13. Apparently, there's some kind of programming associated with that, because everything couldn't have happened at 12 or 13? Either way, it's horrible, what they do to people. I got married at the age of 18 to a very cruel man that I realize now had somehow obtained me via my family. I didn't even realize what was going on, or why I was marrying him, I just did it because I was told to. I didn't realize until after we divorced, that it was weird right from the start. I was married to him for 13 years. I gained my independence, thought I had the world by the ass, I had a job I loved, and for the next 3 years, I was so happy. Then I stuck my foot into a bathtub of hot water and it was all over, that damn fast. My thoughts, my life, my memories are fragmented, and I prefer to be alone, with just my dogs. My dogs are the only thing that makes me feel safe. I pray daily that someone will make this abuse of children stop. I voted for Trump because I felt he would start moving things in the right direction. Every day, I cry, knowing that even as I type this, at any given moment throughout the day and night, children are suffering, and living in a hell on earth. My heart goes out to them. I wish I could help them. I will add, I do not doubt the validity of the Hampstead Children's stories at all. I see the defeat on their faces in the final interviews, where they are saying they made it up. I know that numbness that takes over when you thought there was hope, and now it's gone.
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WakeUpPlease ago
My story is similar to yours. I started remembering at about 34 years of age. The memories started coming to me as if they were a dream, or quick flashbacks that made me shake my head and wonder what the hell was that all about. Then they started coming faster and I basically had a major meltdown. I believe I was programmed to act in a very self destructive manner if I started remembering, because I put myself in many very dangerous situations. Ugh.. can't get too deep into it, but yes, I understand what you are describing.
WakeUpPlease ago
I forgot that I had posted this here. Just decided to check it today. I was sexually traumatized at a very young age, or possibly from birth, but I don't have memories earlier than about 4 years of age. My first memories started flooding in when I stepped into a bath tub of nice hot water, intending to relax. I ignored it, thinking I was just really tired from work. But when I sat down into the tub, the memories hit me like a tidal wave and I felt the most horrible despair and anguish wash over me. I wanted to die. I had no clue what was going on, there wasn't anyone to talk to. Suddenly, I was that terrified child again, I struggled to function at my job, I struggled to function in friendships and I failed miserably. I went to lunch one day from work, and couldn't go back. My supervisor called me to ask what the hell happened, since I had been a model employee for 5 years. I went on in some kind of gibberish that made no sense and said I was just burned out. He told me to get off of whatever drugs I was doing and get myself straightened up. I wasn't on drugs. The next few years were a nightmare. I lost many friends. They all said I was having a midlife crisis and abandoned me. I was very attractive, and extremely cunning, I knew how to make men fall all over themselves doing what I wanted, which made me think I was the one in control. I wasn't. I realized later that I had been programmed to please men. My biological father was the programmer. He and my mother divorced when I was about 6 years old, and then my mother brought in a man that continued the programming. I have many blank years, that I don't remember at all. I don't know why, but if anyone asks me now (at 58 years old) anything about my childhood, I seem to think everything happened when I was 12 or 13. Apparently, there's some kind of programming associated with that, because everything couldn't have happened at 12 or 13? Either way, it's horrible, what they do to people. I got married at the age of 18 to a very cruel man that I realize now had somehow obtained me via my family. I didn't even realize what was going on, or why I was marrying him, I just did it because I was told to. I didn't realize until after we divorced, that it was weird right from the start. I was married to him for 13 years. I gained my independence, thought I had the world by the ass, I had a job I loved, and for the next 3 years, I was so happy. Then I stuck my foot into a bathtub of hot water and it was all over, that damn fast. My thoughts, my life, my memories are fragmented, and I prefer to be alone, with just my dogs. My dogs are the only thing that makes me feel safe. I pray daily that someone will make this abuse of children stop. I voted for Trump because I felt he would start moving things in the right direction. Every day, I cry, knowing that even as I type this, at any given moment throughout the day and night, children are suffering, and living in a hell on earth. My heart goes out to them. I wish I could help them. I will add, I do not doubt the validity of the Hampstead Children's stories at all. I see the defeat on their faces in the final interviews, where they are saying they made it up. I know that numbness that takes over when you thought there was hope, and now it's gone.