I hope you don't take this the wrong way. However I know that your stage is quite sensitive and can even create anger out of nothing.

Between my teens and early twenties I was lost. I drank a lot and smoke a lot of weed. I felt I didn't belong anywhere, not even with my family. We have had some rough times in my family and I was a kid with a lot of anger issues and violent.

During my dark years I tried to kill myself several times but I wasn't able to do it. Imagine how bad could I have felt because of failing on that too, several times. But I recon that deep inside me I really didn't wanted to die. I even started hearing a lot of voices that pushed me down and didn't let me sleep. I was even offered by a shrink to get some psychiatric medication but I said no because I needed to control this myself and did not wanted to stop being me.

Despite all of the things that I had in my mind and suffered, the one thing that I can think of that had me like that is that I had little love for myself and most importantly, I didn't have God in my life.

Then I started to get closer to God. I got to know His Word and to feel his presence. I was able to commune with Him through the Holy Spirit and gain the strength to overcome those bad years. It was certainly a process but I took the step and never came back to my old ways.

I stopped drinking for a while because I didn't have control over it. I vowed that I would not drink again until I was the one controlling it and not it to me. I stopped smoking weed nearly 2 years ago because I didn't want to have my mind numbed. I wanted to have a clear mind in these days and each day I was able to grow closer to God.

I prayed in my loneliness and was able to feel the presence of God. I talked to Jesus as my best friend. Many times in pain for all of the things that I had: my guilt, my anger, my low self esteem. Day by day, I was happier. Suddenly, those voices disappeared. They never came back. I became more confident and understood that I loved myself by loving God.

By understanding that without Him I was lost and without Him I would probably be dead. I am thankful with God for all the things that he has done in my life.

No one can take you out of that darkness but you. No one can pull you back up but you. You need to understand that these are choices you take. You decide whether you stay in the same stage you are on. You decide whether you shut people off. You decide whether you believe in God or not.

Yes, if you don't want to believe, you may "succeed" in this life. Depending on how you measure success. However the old ghosts of your past will keep hunting you down no matter how hard you try to ignore them. They will hunt you. Because you have never had the strength to face them. Through God, I was able to break myself and build myself back together. I was born again.

Trust in Jesus, you don't need to confess your grief to strangers on a site. Talk to Him in the privacy of your room. Keep in mind that the suffering he went through was much greater than yours and He did it for you!

Don't let go of the hope that you will stand again. Look up and remember, there is always One that is watching over you from up above. Don't lose yourself in habits that will cloud your mind. Don't let the darkness control you. Show the light that God gave you through His Spirit. And walk tall.

There is nothing wrong with grieving your friend. It is hard losing a friend, always, specially the way that you did. But you are here, now. You have what he let go of. Embrace it.

I pray in the name of Jesus that these words may comfort you. I pray in the name of Jesus that these words will encourage you to look for Him. To have a relationship with Him. I pray that God will give you the strength to go through this hard times and understand that there is always a purpose for these things. The main one is: The hard times you go through in life are to build your character so when you find yourself in a place where you see others going through similar things, you can extend your hand as a blessing to them and let them know the testimony that you have become. God loves you. He wants you to be saved, in the name of Jesus, AMEN.

Matthew 7:7-8 - KJV

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.