Some parts only have names of feelings or emotions. I have parts called Rage, Hate, Anger, Fear, Loneliness, etc. They hold those specific emotions so in present time I am not overwhelmed with feeling all of them at once. At times I feel as if I am sad and happy at the exact same time yet I'm emotionally numb. I liken it to the emotions being tangible things like blinking neon lights of the words Sadness and Happiness, and they are being poured down a funnel into my head or heart but the numbness is like a barrier and they drip down the outside of me like droplets on a shower curtain. I know the droplets are there, but I'm only experiencing the flow from the shower head and the droplets are seen but not physically or emotionally felt.
Other times, I "lose time". That is when particularly strong parts take over completely and I'm not aware of anything. It's like I'm in a box filled with nothingness until I'm allowed to front again. At these times, when I am allowed to "come forward" again, I have fleeting snaps of memory about what my body did and said while I was "out". Other times I can recall memories of trauma that the part was experiencing. Other times I have zero recollection of anything I said or did when I lost time. Those are the scariest ones.
So I do something called Theophostic Prayer, which is based in Christianity. Here's a mini synopsis of how it works as described on www.theophostics.com:
"Theophostic Prayer Ministry recognizes that a common source of the emotional pain one may experience in the present has an experiential source and beginning which is lie-based. If the emotional pain is coming from this original historical faulty thinking, true release of the emotional pain in the present will not likely occur unless the person is able to review the memory event where the lie was first embedded. It is acknowledged that it is possible for some people to succeed in choosing to walk in truth through controlled behavior and discipline in the face of their emotional pain (which has value in context) but it is believed that many fail at this juncture. There is a vast difference between "self control" which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Holy Spirit accomplished) and "controlled behavior" that which I do on my own through discipline, hard work, and determination."
What I do in these sessions is to allow my parts to come forward an relive the traumatic memories in order to heal from them and release the part from cyclic pain which therefore frees me as well. Here's an example: my five year old part, Elaine, was reliving a memory about us being raped by many men on an altar. As she is reliving this memory to show me what happened, "I" am either standing to the side of the event or floating above the event, watching it. I don't feel any pain as it's like I'm watching a movie inside my head. I can hear what is said and see what happens. In one particular memory she showed me, I was five and had fallen out of my bed screaming for my Dad who was asleep down the hall. I have always had a cognizant memory of that night and before my dad came running into my room, I saw a demonic looking person look at me from inside my closet and who ran their finger across their throat then put the finger to their lips, representing, "shhhh, don't tell or I'll cut your throat and make your blood come out" (this was said to me countless times as a child. My Dad came in and I told him there was a monster in my closet. He wouldn't look in my closet and told me I'd had a bad dream. He put me back in bed and I fell asleep again. That is what I've always remembered as the host about that memory. I created the lie/belief that my Dad won't protect me and doesn't believe me.
What Elaine showed me was completely different. The real memory was my uncle had come into my room late at night to rape me. I woke up and started screaming. In his hurry to climb over me and hide in the closet, he had knocked me out of the bed. He got in my closet and did the finger thing then closed the door. By the time my Dad came in to the room, two angels were standing in front of the closet. They were terrifying. They were standing next to eachother with their swords drawn in an X between them, they looked like solid bronze, and were wearing armor. While "I' was still being show the memory by Elaine, I was reminded of the lie that my Dad won't protect me and won't believe me. In actuality, the angels were stationed there not to keep my uncle in as much as to protect my Dad from opening the closet door and my uncle beating him possibly to death upon being found out. After my Dad left the room, the angels moved over to the side of my bed and crossed their swords again to protect me. When I look back to that memory now, I feel peace that God protected me from being raped and my father from being attacked that night and instead of feeling like no one cared about me, i now feel protected and safe in that memory and the anxiety I would feel as a grownup presently was completely alleviated. Elaine and I were healed in that session from the negative impacts of that particular memory. Look, I know it sounds crazy and bizarre, but my mind has developed a system to protect my Authentic Birth Person from knowing all of the abuse at once because no child can survive the pain, torture, and damaged emotions that I experienced. The protection has been enforced until my parts started introducing me to them and showing me what happened a bit at a time in my childhood. At first I didn't even believe myself and questioned my sanity. I deeply researched my condition and got a lot of answers I was looking for and validation from others describing the exact things I have been experiencing with dissociation. I'm going to send this so it isn't lost(my computer sucks) and I'll move on to your next questions in a new reply post.
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VieBleu ago
Some parts only have names of feelings or emotions. I have parts called Rage, Hate, Anger, Fear, Loneliness, etc. They hold those specific emotions so in present time I am not overwhelmed with feeling all of them at once. At times I feel as if I am sad and happy at the exact same time yet I'm emotionally numb. I liken it to the emotions being tangible things like blinking neon lights of the words Sadness and Happiness, and they are being poured down a funnel into my head or heart but the numbness is like a barrier and they drip down the outside of me like droplets on a shower curtain. I know the droplets are there, but I'm only experiencing the flow from the shower head and the droplets are seen but not physically or emotionally felt. Other times, I "lose time". That is when particularly strong parts take over completely and I'm not aware of anything. It's like I'm in a box filled with nothingness until I'm allowed to front again. At these times, when I am allowed to "come forward" again, I have fleeting snaps of memory about what my body did and said while I was "out". Other times I can recall memories of trauma that the part was experiencing. Other times I have zero recollection of anything I said or did when I lost time. Those are the scariest ones. So I do something called Theophostic Prayer, which is based in Christianity. Here's a mini synopsis of how it works as described on www.theophostics.com: "Theophostic Prayer Ministry recognizes that a common source of the emotional pain one may experience in the present has an experiential source and beginning which is lie-based. If the emotional pain is coming from this original historical faulty thinking, true release of the emotional pain in the present will not likely occur unless the person is able to review the memory event where the lie was first embedded. It is acknowledged that it is possible for some people to succeed in choosing to walk in truth through controlled behavior and discipline in the face of their emotional pain (which has value in context) but it is believed that many fail at this juncture. There is a vast difference between "self control" which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Holy Spirit accomplished) and "controlled behavior" that which I do on my own through discipline, hard work, and determination." What I do in these sessions is to allow my parts to come forward an relive the traumatic memories in order to heal from them and release the part from cyclic pain which therefore frees me as well. Here's an example: my five year old part, Elaine, was reliving a memory about us being raped by many men on an altar. As she is reliving this memory to show me what happened, "I" am either standing to the side of the event or floating above the event, watching it. I don't feel any pain as it's like I'm watching a movie inside my head. I can hear what is said and see what happens. In one particular memory she showed me, I was five and had fallen out of my bed screaming for my Dad who was asleep down the hall. I have always had a cognizant memory of that night and before my dad came running into my room, I saw a demonic looking person look at me from inside my closet and who ran their finger across their throat then put the finger to their lips, representing, "shhhh, don't tell or I'll cut your throat and make your blood come out" (this was said to me countless times as a child. My Dad came in and I told him there was a monster in my closet. He wouldn't look in my closet and told me I'd had a bad dream. He put me back in bed and I fell asleep again. That is what I've always remembered as the host about that memory. I created the lie/belief that my Dad won't protect me and doesn't believe me.
What Elaine showed me was completely different. The real memory was my uncle had come into my room late at night to rape me. I woke up and started screaming. In his hurry to climb over me and hide in the closet, he had knocked me out of the bed. He got in my closet and did the finger thing then closed the door. By the time my Dad came in to the room, two angels were standing in front of the closet. They were terrifying. They were standing next to eachother with their swords drawn in an X between them, they looked like solid bronze, and were wearing armor. While "I' was still being show the memory by Elaine, I was reminded of the lie that my Dad won't protect me and won't believe me. In actuality, the angels were stationed there not to keep my uncle in as much as to protect my Dad from opening the closet door and my uncle beating him possibly to death upon being found out. After my Dad left the room, the angels moved over to the side of my bed and crossed their swords again to protect me. When I look back to that memory now, I feel peace that God protected me from being raped and my father from being attacked that night and instead of feeling like no one cared about me, i now feel protected and safe in that memory and the anxiety I would feel as a grownup presently was completely alleviated. Elaine and I were healed in that session from the negative impacts of that particular memory. Look, I know it sounds crazy and bizarre, but my mind has developed a system to protect my Authentic Birth Person from knowing all of the abuse at once because no child can survive the pain, torture, and damaged emotions that I experienced. The protection has been enforced until my parts started introducing me to them and showing me what happened a bit at a time in my childhood. At first I didn't even believe myself and questioned my sanity. I deeply researched my condition and got a lot of answers I was looking for and validation from others describing the exact things I have been experiencing with dissociation. I'm going to send this so it isn't lost(my computer sucks) and I'll move on to your next questions in a new reply post.