I know many of you have been wondering what happened to your benevolent, patient, wise, beautiful (women can verify this), intelligent, and most of all kind hearted and loving administrator. It is only by the hand of God that I’m here to tell the story.

Nearly 10 months ago I entered a contest to taste test COVID-18. COVID-18 was a secret hot sauce developed by the Chinese and they planned to use it to put Tabasco out of business (damn communists).

An unfortunate thing happened during the taste test. The Chinese use hot sauce on bat wings. COVID-18 was so strong that when used on bat wings, it bonded with the bat wing blood and formed COVID-19. We basically unknowingly ate COVID-19. The positive side is that it tasted great.

It’s been a constant chore to stay ahead of the virus (it’s round so it rolls very fast and is hard to get away from). The only known cure isn’t a cure at all, it is simply a deterrent.

Toilet paper.

Scientists have found that if you surround yourself in a giant fort of toilet paper and tie it together with baby wipes it takes the power away from COVID-19. I built the largest toilet paper castle I could. NASA says you can see it from space.

I recommend each of you go out and buy as much toilet paper as possible and bury yourself underneath it. Toilet paper is an unlimited and cheap resource available to us all so no excuses.

I’m still recovering but I’ll try to get back and ban a few people soon (I see you rabble-rousers).

P.S. COVID-18 is perfectly safe on chicken wings and it’s better than Tabasco. Fact.

P.P.S. I hope it doesn’t rain soon.