The Federalist Doth Accuse Goody Greta Thunberg And Other 'Climate Worshipers' Of WITCHCRAFT

Robyn Pennacchia

September 26, 2019 04:20 PM

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Back in school, when we learned about the Salem Witch Trials, most of us thought to ourselves, "Wow, those people were fucking crazy/ignorant, going around killing people they thought had magic powers and what have you. Good thing people aren't like that anymore!"

To some degree, they're not. After all, witchcraft has not been a capital offense in the colonies since at least 1750, and we haven't even had a real witch trial since that second thing in Salem, in 1878, when the lady who founded the Christian Scientists accused a former disciple of doing "mind crimes," "malicious animal magnetism," and mesmerism to some broad in Ipswitch.

And yet.

We somehow still have to deal with backwards townfolk screaming about "witchcraft." In the '80s, it was the Satanic Panic. A couple years ago (and today, still), we had all the people wigging out over Marina Abramovic's performance art and claiming that Hillary Clinton was doing a bunch of performance art-related witchcraft. It seems that no matter how we all try to evolve there will always be someone standing in that corner crying WITCH!

Today, that person is Sumantra Maitra, columnist at The Federalist, who has made the bold claim that Greta Thunberg and all the "climate worshipers" out there are practically doing paganism. Because "Mother Earth" and, I guess, twerking.

Do tell, The Federalist:

As secular liberalism destroyed the fundamental ties that bind society — faith, flag, and family — the human instincts for faith — to believe, worship, submit, and fear — didn't just go away but manifested in various other pre-civilized tribal ways. For example, a liberal seminary encouraged its students to skip classes to pray and confess sins in front of potted plants. In Switzerland, 250 people in full funereal garb mourned the apparent approaching death of a glacier.

That is why members of "Extinction Rebellion" do what they do. Extinction Rebellion is an apocalyptic cult that wants to radically end every thing around you, from your private cars to the burgers you eat and the plastic chairs in your yard. It is a cult that was formed after its founder took psychedelic drugs and prayed for "social change." Members have blocked D.C. and London intersections, "twerking" the way people in a pre-civilized era would perform a fertility dance to pray to Gaia.

His thesis here — really — is that "secular liberals" murdered Christianity (which should come as a surprise to the 75 percent of Americans who identify as Christians), and then replaced it, Folgers Crystals-style, with environmentalism, which is basically paganism.

And apparently, people thinking that Greta Thunberg is doing a good thing are just worshiping her as a child saint of some kind.

And then there's Saint Greta, our perpetual teen of sorrow. I have been comparing her worship to Joan of Arc ever since she was invited to the British Parliament, the birthplace of modern democracy. She was surrounded by buffoons nodding their heads like they were listening to gospel truth.

Well-known picture of Greta Thunberg speaking to Parliament upload.wikimedia.org

His conclusion?

So, there you have it. Sexualized dances, psychedelic hallucinogens, worshiping nature, confessing sins in pagan animism, worshiping purified teen saints, and throwing them up on an altar, bereft of their childhood, to promote a greater cause. Add to that witches hexing Brett Kavanaugh, and having an Ouija board to invoke the spirit of Karl Marx, and everything old is new again.

Yes, everything old is new again, though not exactly in the way he means it. Sure! There are lots of practicing pagans around today. It's not illegal. People can be pagans or wiccans or druids or whatever if they want. But that is a very different thing than going around claiming that people are "pagans" just because they don't want the world to burn.

Maitra claims that conservatives don't necessarily think that climate change isn't happening, they just don't think it's actually all that bad and want an exact "cost-benefit analysis of the radical changes being demanded." Given that this is a thing that probably could not exist, it seems that conservatives like Maitra would prefer to continue murdering the earth as hard as possible until someone can prove to them that not doing that won't hurt rich people too much.

He then claims that we climate Pagans don't even actually believe that climate change is bad either, we just want to use it as a tool to take way everything conservatives love:

More important than that, conservatives understand that climate change is cynically used by a certain section of people to justify their political goals of steering the West away from its way of life, a way they perceive to be evil and harmful, hetero-patriarchal, and capitalist. How? Appealing to the faith-based part of human brains, the need for subservience, and propping up children as human shields.

Yes. Either that or we'd just like to not kick a hornet's nest! One of the two!

Maitra goes on to praise "the old left," noting that Stalin would totally have put us in labor camps for caring about the environment and, um, twerking:

For all the Marxists' faults, the old left at least wanted to conquer nature instead of turning subservient to it. Of course, that went to its own extremes, but one can imagine Joseph Stalin putting all twerking climate fanatics as mentally ill people in a forced labor camp to build railroads in Siberia. The current Chinese government, likewise, gives two hoots about climate change, and for all the bravery of Green Peace and St. Greta, there's nothing they can do about China burning more coal than the rest of humanity combined.

Yes, and those are just some of the many things that we think are bad about Stalin and China. It would be legitimately weird if those were things we admired or even considered to have anything at all to do with left-wing politics. Or even actual communism! After all, we are not modern-day conservatives swooning over Pinochet and dreaming of "helicopter rides."

But back to our nascent plans to stick poor Sumantra Maitra in a big ol' wicker man and sacrifice him for the good of our crops:

The modern left is a combination of two of the worst impulses in human history. First are the ultra-privileged bourgeoisie, which, having lost their old Judeo-Christian faith, are instinctively attracted to pre-civilized rituals, from overt sexuality to fewer familial ties. Consider Late Roman public orgies, and you get an idea. At the same time, human minds feel a gaping void that still needs to be filled by an alternate faith. It is in that intersection where this occultist, apocalyptic climate paganism comes from.

Ah! I get it! Instead of looking for a third nipple or throwing us into the water to see whether or not we float, the new test for witchcraft is using reusable straws, being sexy, and twerking, and instead of letting the Devil use our form to do spectral afflictions to innocent townfolk, we're all bewitching people into believing that climate change is a problem for the purposes of not letting conservatives have families. Or something. It makes a lot of sense if you don't think about it too hard.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some tannis root smoothies to make. "