This are just my thoughts based on your post. Finding ways to get from one 'semblance of peace' to the next sounds like one of the greatest challenges of living with your illness. When you are in between.. sick, nervous, suffering from feeling that you are a bad person as a result of living with the range of challenges you face on a daily basis, that is likely when you are most vulnerable to the worst of the 'being sucked into a black hole' sensation. Those are the times it's important to find ways, if possible, to remind yourself that being in between is just that; the challenge is riding it out toward more calm thoughts and emotions. If not being on this site is helpful during those times, then taking a break from the site would be the logical step. Just the red pill alone is overwhelming enough for people who are not battling their thoughts in the ways you have to, where thoughts, or ways of thinking beyond your control at that time, tie into emotions and the emotions then aggravate the mind in a vicious cycle. The subject matter of this site is extremely difficult, the scope is bigger than anyone could have imagined. That is real, and for most people, healthy or not, they won't be able to accept it; it would make them sick and nervous without having schizophrenia to amplify everything in unpredictable ways. Balance what you read or watch (here or elsewhere) and avoid what causes more symptoms for you. Even while on the site, whether you intend to be here or not, maybe some lines of inquiry could be less unsettling, such as focusing on a narrow set of information, finding out about how person A might be connected to person B through an obscure foundation or common friends. Avoid the threads that are most disturbing by digging in a more administrative way, archiving links for people is one example.